5 Ways NOT to Move House

5 Ways NOT to Move House

I moved out of my beloved flat this weekend (that’s my excuse as to why I haven’t posted in over a week. A girl can only do so much – you know). The whole experience was very sad as I loved that flat and it’s the first, and only, place I’ve lived in since I moved to London.

Loads of great memories and all that crap blah blah…

But this post is not about all the good times… because my dear friends, as with 95% of the things I attempt to do in life, nothing ever works out simply.

Who knew that moving house would be such a bumpy ride. Picture me, the Witch, riding on my broomstick around Stratford. One minute I’m cruising along, content as can be. The next minute I’m nose diving into a pile of shit.

I thought I would use this post to reflect on my experiences, and help anyone else out who is thinking about moving house. And thus without further ado I have come up with the 5 ways of how NOT to move house.

  1. DON’T – Wear Sliders to Move Furniture

Pretty self-explanatory. But not for me – evidently.

Contrary to popular belief (when I say popular, what I really mean is just my belief) – turns out that sliders are a very inefficient choice of footwear when you need to be on your toes carrying heavy items.

It’s all fun and games until you’re in the middle of Essex at a storage centre, carrying a TV backwards and your sliders does what it says on the tin and completely slides off of your foot.

I probably doubled the amount of moving time by not wearing a comfy pair of trainers which I would have been able to move about in easily… as opposed to shuffling across the floor like some stroppy teenager that doesn’t know how to pick their feet up.

Lastly, dropping heavy items on your exposed toes isn’t the best experience by any means. Wearing sliders increases the chance of this happening considerably.

  1. DON’T – Have a Lift Phobia

This is one for the masses… Said no one ever.

So, I know that lift phobia’s aren’t the most common thing in the world… but like most uncommon things – I seem to have taken to it well.

Now before you say I should have put all my stuff in the elevator, pressed ground floor and run down the stairs to meet it at the bottom… 4 flights of stairs equates to more time than you would imagine – especially as I was wearing sliders remember. Also – this is East London we’re talking about, which means a soon as them elevator doors closed and my stuff went down into the wilderness, it was a guessing game as to whether it would still be there when I got down.

The peak of my stair lifting experience was when the set of plastic drawers I was carrying decided that they wanted to smash into smithereens, spraying my clean clothes out all over the stair well, and landing on my exposed toes (pain) 🙂

  1. DON’T – Book a Cleaner off of Gumtree

I know what you’re thinking… I should have known better. But in my defence, I know a lot of people that use gumtree to find cleaning services.

Obviously though, with my luck, it didn’t go to plan. And after a full on emotional breakdown, two of my friends came to the rescue and helped me to re-clean the entire 2 bedroom flat.

Moral of the story is – don’t use gumtree for cleaners. Also, this was the first ever professional cleaner I’d booked. God must have just been like, nah… she’s made it this far why not throw another spanner in the works to test her patience.

As always I survived to tell the tale. Just.

Thanks to Kadey and Liat, the real MVPs who saved the day.

I also had alcohol to get me through the experience, which was a given since I was missing one of my best friend’s birthdays as a result of the cleaning disaster.

…which brings me onto my next point.

  1. DON’T – Get Too Drunk Whilst Cleaning

Now I’m an avid supporting of the sesh. So what better way to get through a tiring cleaning session with some friends than to get drunk?

Clearly it felt like a good idea at the time, and it put me in a far better mood.

I left the flat that evening proud of our achievements… proud of our hardwork… proud of the spotless masterpiece I had left behind

Or so I thought.

I woke up the next morning (the day I was moving out) and strolled confidently into my sparkling kitchen… only it wasn’t as clean as I remembered…

I suppose it’s like ‘beer goggles’… I went to bed with my flat in a 10/10 state, and woke up to a 6/10.

Don’t get me wrong, the flat was still spotless, but I guess I was too lost in the sauce the night before and thought I was some professional cleaner type of superwoman.

If you need a cleaner I guess the best option is to go by word of mouth, and get someone reliable! Or call your friends round and drunk clean, at least it’s fun.

  1. DON’T Hoard!

I’m quite a sentimental person, so I always get a feeling of guilt when it comes to throwing stuff away… it feels like I’m throwing my memories away. As a result of this I tend to hoard, which makes life very difficult when moving out of an apartment after 2 and a half years.

Let me put this into perspective. On a level of 1 to – can’t fit in the front door cause you’ve hoarded so much shit… I’m probably about a 6. The reason being that, after years of moving around at boarding school, I have mastered the art of compact storage. I’m therefore able to make my flat look reasonably tidy, whilst not actually throwing anything away.

Please tell me why, when I was cleaning out my room, I found a handful of receipts from 2010. I’VE ONLY LIVED THERE SINCE 2014??? Where the fuck did these receipts magic themselves from? It’s not even like I kept them because they were important either… they were Tesco receipts. As if I’d ever want to know that I bought a pint of semi-skimmed milk 7 years ago in Manchester, oh the memories!

Don’t be afraid to have a wardrobe clean out every 6 months. I gave all my old clothes to the Salvation Army – not sure if they would want a load of dresses and heels, but every little helps!

Especially considering what’s happened today at Grenfell Tower – people are always in need of clothes, food, toiletries, shelter, anything that can be done to help.

There are tons of charity shops, recycling centres, clothing banks, support centres etc. where you can take your old clothes to 🙂

Anyways… the phrase ‘fail to prepare, prepare to fail’ goes to shit with me. Cause even when you do prepare, if you’re an unlucky person then stuff always goes wrong. Either way, take my experiences and run with them – or don’t if you’re wearing sliders.

Better yet, never move out of your parents house, life is easier that way.


Ciao for now – Elz, the Witch