As its Mother’s Day I thought I would share some of my most prime time Witch moments that my mum has had to deal with other the past 25 years.
Don’t think my mum knew what she was getting herself into when I was born. Thanks for putting up with me – not like you have a choice.
- When I was born I had jaundice (when your skin is yellow), so my mum had to hang around in the hospital for a week whilst I was chillin’ in an incubator… I started as I meant to go on, tanned and causing confusion. Nothing is ever simple with me.
- I pulled the cap off of our old chimney once. My mum came running into the living room, only to find a big black heap of soot, surrounded by a cloud of ash spread around the room. Somewhere within all of this was me, sat with a slice of mouldy toast on the top of my head (how a whole slice of toast got into the chimney I will never know).
- I bit my sister on the back once because she sat in the seat I wanted. She bled. I got to sit in the seat. Happy days. My mum had to deal with the aftermath.
- My mum nearly killed me in the middle of a supermarket once over a tantrum I threw because I wanted some Heeled Gelly Shoes (naturally). My nanny had to escort me out of the supermarket and away from my mum. I didn’t get the shoes, gutted.
- She left me with a baby sitter once when she went to work. I was not having this, so I screamed for the entirety of my stay with the baby sitter and scratch the paint off of their front door.
- I tied my hair up when I was about 8. There was a bit at the front that was too short to go into the pony tail. So, instead of tucking it behind my ear like a normal person, I cut it off, as you do. When I say cut it off… I mean I had a bald patch at the front of my hair line. The best part is, one of the girls from school decided to copy me and do the same thing. Call me a trend setter.
- When I was a toddler, my sister put me in front of the mirror and told me I was going to die because I was so pale you could see my veins. My mum had to deal with a hysterical child convinced they were terminally ill for the next hour or so.
- I refused to let anyone dress me when I was little… which makes for some pretty amusing throwback photos. I lived in the same baseball cap for days at a time… my mum would have to wait until I was asleep to take it off otherwise I would throw another tantrum (running theme here). The second picture below is from one of my birthdays, a rare sighting of me in a dress (which matches the sofa?), I was forced into wearing this get up.
- I found out santa wasn’t real at a young age when I woke up in the night to find santa/ my mum coming into my room with a stocking. After a lot of teasing her, the next year santa coincidentally forgot to wake up to bring me my stocking 🙁 .
- I had a pet hamster called Sunlight (I’m still baffled at that name choice, my sister’s was called Lightshade as well, even worse), it had the same colour hair as me, and was equally, if not more, of a Witch than me. In its 2/3 years of existence, Sunlight managed to bite every single family member, and also escape from the first floor of the house and run half a mile down the main road only to be found by some family friends. My mum had to go retrieve the hamster, much to her dismay that it was actually found alive.
- When I was 17 I got bored and decided I wanted some fish, which sounds all well and good until you remember I went to boarding school… so out of the 6 days I wasn’t at home each week my mum would’ve had to feed the fish. Anyway I prepped the tank for 2 weeks with chemicals like you’re supposed to, me and my mum got 4 fish (those gold and black ones with the big googly eyes). I took them home, popped them in the tank annnnndddddd…. They fell straight to the bottom. RIP. When I went downstairs to break the news to my mum she started crying, half due to the fallen fish, half because it was so typical of me.
- My mum also knows the theme tune to the Digimon cartoon off by heart, and the music to Final Fantasy 7. Mainly cause I used to go round singing it all of the time like some sort of demon.
- My sister was climbing on some rocks next to a river once when I was only about 4, I thought it would be best to copy her and do the same. 10 minutes later I was face first in the river, fully clothed. Again, my mum had to deal with the aftermath.
- I decided I was scared of fire alarms when I was younger, for no reason whatsoever. Maybe I got bored and thought, how else can I inconvenience my parent’s lives. We went to the pub for dinner and there was a fire alarm above our table. Upon realising this fact, I proceeded to scream the whole pub down, up until the point where my mum had to get the owner to come out and cover the fire alarm up using a piece of paper with a smiley face drawn on it. After this I was fine – because in the event of a fire a smiley face would surely save my life.
- When I was 15 my parents picked me up from a house party, hungover. 10 minutes into the journey they had to pull over so that I could be sick. I told them it was a stomach bug… they nodded. I thought I had got away with it until we pulled up to a supermarket and my mum presented me with a massive baguette stating it would make me feel better. Sat pretending to nibble the corner off the baguette trying to hold in my sick, I knew that I had fucked up.
There are hundreds of other examples I could give for how many times my mum has had to deal with me, being me over the years. However, she’s my mum so she has no choice. Unlucky.
Thanks for putting up with me for 25 years, and many more to come 🙂
I can’t even keep 4 goldfish alive for more than 5 minutes let alone look after another human being, so props to all of the mothers out there….. Happy Mothers Day to you all!
Any questions please contact me.
Ciao for now – Elz, The Witch.